Friday, May 18, 2007

What I'm Learning from This......



As deployment day (D-Day) draws neigh on the horizon of my first year of marriage, I find that I am bracing myself and mentally creating a survival strategy without knowing what to expect. I'm one to anticipate needs before they arise, knowing that when trouble comes, I will already have plan A, B, & C in my back pocket. This is difficult when you don't know what to expect.

So the man it took 32 years to find is leaving for the same fifteen months of time that everyone else in the Army has to do. It is his second deployment to the sandbox, but his first as a married man. As a student of history, I have studied war my entire life, but I have never lived through it in this way. I want to do a good job. I want my new marriage to continue growing. I want....
Does it matter what I want?

As impossible as it may seem to accomplish, I have (perhaps foolishly) already determined that I will turn this next 15 months into a challenging experience of finding something positive in every single day. Now, I have always billed myself as an "optimistic realist, " so don't get me wrong. I believe this is will be difficult. I may fall on my face before you in this very blog....

...but I have theme for the next fifteen months of my life and marriage. When you have a theme, a cause, a mind-set, a prayer, a mantra - you can make it.

My mantra is this: What am I learning from this?

When I feel anything negative, I am going to ask myself this single question, over and over again. Life has a way of having to teach us the same lessons, and I suspect I will emerge having re-learned that which I already know. It may be that I simply have that knowledge tested at a deeper level and then re-emerge with an even greater understanding of the simple truths I already know....

That faith exercised in darkness is the only thing strong enought to trump fear of any kind, that an upward release of what you cannot control tempers the internal sense of loss, that God has our back, that life is bittersweet but is always leans towards the sweet side. And that ultimately, you become a stronger and more lovely woman when you accept and overcome life's hardness with a spirit of gentleness and abiding grace.

The interesting, gorgeous, wonderful friend I waited on for over 30 years is leaving to a dusty combat zone for 15 months right when I want to be with him, want him to be safe, want to laugh with him, want look into his eyes, want be a good wife to him, want to make a baby with him..... want (there's that word again)

What am I learning from this?

Loving someone is a stronger feeling than missing someone. I will miss him, but I will always love him more.

2 comments:

Stingo said...

Dear sis... My neice's husband, Capt. Steve Dunn of the Stryker brigade jusr returned home from Falugha (sp) and Bhagdad (sp) last thanksgiving. 15 months....

If you need someone to email for support, let me know Stell.. I will introduce you to my Neice. She's about your age... ;-))

I am praying for your hubby!!!

Stingo

Anonymous said...

Wow, what an incredible, real, beautiful, intelligent woman. My prayers are with your husband to return safely. All those qualities that make you what you are is the fuel that he will use to keep himself going and do everything possible to get back to you safely. I can tell by the way you speak of him that he is a hell of a good man. That means he knows what is waiting for him when he returns. God Bless, and may you both be 80 years old one day sitting on your porch telling this story to your grandchildren.